Zane Kura

Male

Everyone never seems to notice him unless he speaks

Very strong and smart

He is a dark minded kid at the age of 12 and barely ever seems to care about life and death

He has powers He And Everyone Else Doesnt Know About

He wears black t-shirt and black jeans ruffled black hair and strange red eyes

Weight 82.8

Height 5.4 and very slim

(give ideas if you think it needs work)

...

It needs some work. Your whole bio seems to be jumbled and lacks organization. You should probably set it up as

Name:
Gender:
Age:
Race: (not always necessary)
Personality: (What they're like, here you can elaborate how dark minded he is and perhaps touch upon why he is, though don't give it all the way because that's what the bio part of the profile is usually for)
Appearance: (Personally, I like to describe what they look like physically and then describe their clothing. Also discuss what is so strange about his red eyes. Is he albino? Are they enchanting? Do they creep people out while he's staring at them? Do they have a slight glow? Also I'm getting the picture of an emo kid is that what you want? Or perhaps is he some sort of punk rock kid? What about his shoes? Or are they boots? Are his clothes neat? Or do they look rugged?)
Abilities: (Don't always have to be something razzle dazzle, they can be even that he's got a knack for typing or he's good with a screwdriver. You mentioned powers though you didn't even describe them...or what they are? Also if he doesn't know about his powers it doesn't mean that you (the creator) doesn't. Feel free to elaborate on everything just state that he has yet to acquire said abilities. You can also mention how he is combat wise in this section such as is he capable of hand to hand combat etc maybe even mention a weapon (or you could make that another section if you wish to describe the characteristics of the weapon itself.
Background/Biography: (Personally my favourite part of the character creation process. : D You kind of wrap everything together from everything above and explain why everything is, and other facts about his life that make him live as a character. It's good to mention things about family, or daily life. Personal experiences especially childhood ones because those usually end up being pivotal. You can explain his dark nature and why he's like that, and especially discuss the origin of his powers and when they manifested. When working on this part try your best to almost make it a story it makes a much better bio than "He did this then he did that then he did this and that. Now his life sucks." Also it's good to leave the ending of the bio on a cliff to show that the character is still going to grow and there is much that he or she has to go through/learn/accomplish etc.

Happy RPing ^.~

i think i got an idea on the bio and his powers

Name:Zane Kura

Gender:Male

Age:16

Race:Half human half demon

Personality:He has split personaliltys good and evil he thinks of how he is going to do next and what will happen to him.Good Mind wants to get rid of his demon counterpart and find any family or someone to help him.Evil mind wants to take over this body and become Fully Demon when angry or in a state where he need help the demon will take over or help him

Appearance:Looks Young For his age and has a scar across his left eye with his demon half gave him some non human apearences like red eyes his eye sometimes creep and charm people clawish fingers and can change voice from demonic to human.His height 4.7,weight 70 pounds

Abilities:Can generates shadows of himself and throw fire/shadow balls.jumps 10ft and strong enough to at least make a dent in metal and smart enough to hack a computer good with lock picking and his eye can charm and creep people in a way to his adavantage and hiding and sneaking around

Background/Biography: When he was Born a demon manifested inside of him.Over the years his parents stressed him do that do this and it triggered his demon when his was 6 it awakened he lost control and killed his family expect his Older brother who hid at the start he has no memory from this.He was horrified when he gained control he wanted to know who it was then the demon spoke inside inside his mind.Demon:"Muahahaha Like What I Did".Zane:"What Whose There".
Demon:"me you us whatever you want to call it".He Lived Alone as a theives from them since he had no family (note: he doesnt know his older brother is still alive) He stealed,He hid ,he was striving to live.

Please, instead of creating several incomplete drafts, do us and yourself a favor by working on it until you get all the information done.
Otherwise no C+C can come of it.

Oh dear. You need some help, sir, and I will provide it without exempting a natural harshness~ Brace yourself for constructive criticism so you don't get all defensive, though I tried to avoid decaying into my normal slew of insults.



And since you have given me another draft to work with, I will review this one as well. As Whimskull said previously, you've left entire parts out.



Well, I tried to be as helpful as I could, but you didn't give me much to work with~ The main problem you have is a lack of effort. With effort will come detail, and I'm not seeing either in these drafts.

im trying ok its just that well...im new and made this character along time ago that i used for something else im trying to convert him to this.........i edited it to put my bio in there and a few updates on it

On that "Split Personality."

Something like that is HARD to pull off successfully, otherwise it looks cheap and seems as if no effort went into either of the character's personalities. A split personality consists of two constant emotions that plague a person; it is not at will. You cannot go from calm to RAAAAAAGE in a split second and call it a split personality. A split personality is somewhat like being bi-polar. There is often a trigger to such a reaction.

I will use (through lack of a better example that I know well) an older character of mine, Serene Lefia. Now, Serene's personality played out differently than I originally planned, and actually built off my earlier base ("A woman who wished to be strong and acted as such, but in reality was weak both mentally and physically. Therefore, she would often try to fight, but in the end only severely injure herself because she was much weaker than she believed herself to be.") In this, Serene's personality was already complete.

However, during the RP, certain events triggered painful memories, revealed terrible scars, and fostered hatred for others. In this situation, Serene had basically began to loose her sanity. When she was with the man she loved, she was levelheaded (and a bit headstrong); HOWEVER, at a drop of a pin, an event could trigger a completely different reaction from within.
i.e. The sight of something that brought back memories of her mother's death instantly plunged her from levelheaded to suicidal or on the verge of breaking down. She would also go s*** insane when around said hated members of the group.
Now, what seals the deal and makes this split personality-ish, is the fact that she went from levelheaded to a breakdown, and then instantly back to levelheaded based of the events that triggered the reactions.
Inasmuch, it is not at will that the personality shifts, but instead based on several key factors that have the ability to cause this change. That in a, somewhat still vague, nutshell, is a split personality/bi-polar syndrome.

Hey, Serene isn't the best example, and I certainly did not pull off the split personality perfectly, but it was the only example I had on hand.

Now, let's look at yours.

You have barely explained what makes the personalities differ, which is important, because they can either be direct parallels or diverge completely. Personality is very important to the character! DO NOT BE VAGUE ON THIS SUBJECT!

My major issue with this is that there is NO TRIGGER that fluctuates the two personalities. What makes the demon awaken?
Temporal gates weaken? The lowered guard during sleeping allows the demon to control the slumbering mind? Anything?
PLEASE, EXPLAIN!
YOU CANNOT JUST SAY, "OH THE DEMON AWAKENS" at random without a trigger. The trigger is the most essential factor in a split personality!
Without a trigger, you cannot have a split personality pulled off even slightly well, and in the end it looks like shoddy workmanship because you did not want to put in the effort to create a character at all!

ok i did update personality abit still need work i get that and some other stuff got put in there

That trigger is terrible.

RAGE = DEMON is so damn cliche (f*** you Kyzak no accent)

what do you suggest

HK, you need to understand that constructive criticism is not something solely to hold your hand and tell you exactly what to do and nothing else. It is suppose to tell you what to focus on, yet continue to be diligent in improving in general. Taking suggestions for a potentially original part of your character is nothing but a cheap way out of work. You won't learn if you continue to take suggestions as blindly as you are now.

I appreciate it, Blue~ If he doesn't learn from that, he's not worth exerting any more effort over.