It's truly a hard thing when you love something so much that you want to put all of your time into it, only to find that your time is being wasted.

Let me tell you something about me. Something some of you may have already figured on. I want you to know the severity of it. Some of you know that I have a profound and profuse love for foxes...you don't really know. No, you really don't know how much I love foxes. There's one fox in particular that never leaves my thoughts. That fox is Miles "Tails" Prower. I ceaselessly obsess over him and other foxes I keep close (I will not bring up the other two). There was a point in time where I was running out of things that others made for him that I could acquire, so I thought I'd make up my own stuff. Not there was anything else out there right? And then I found this...

When I first discovered Super Smash Flash 2, version 9a was brand new. I found Tails as a playable character and immediately fell in love. I could not stop playing him. I would fight the computer for hours each day because I could not get enough. At the time I didn't understand that I wasn't actually any good at this game. Eventually version 9b was released and online mode was open to the public. I still had a several years long habit of not being able to fight seriously out of fear of offending another player. Then I met DescendedSun. At that moment I changed in a heartbeat. I had to beat him. I was going to do whatever it took to win. I did win, but it was a sloppy fight and I didn't really have a coherent playstyle. DS was prolly just beaten by the sheer nonsense of what I was doing. (He would proceed to have a positive winning record against me in the future.) From that time forward I thought real hard about a lot of things. I loved foxes, I loved Tails, and I loved this game. I wanted to be the best Tails player this game would ever see.

I would log in to play any moment I was not at work. I would fight countless people. As I fought with him I felt like I was actually there. That I was the fox in that arena. I wanted to be someone that when I entered a room, they didn't see Tails Prower, they saw Remilia Prower. That when they saw me they would sit up and take me seriously because they knew that if they didn't they would not be able to overcome me. I can't say I've reached that point. But I keep trying. I try to make myself known. I try to get others to take me seriously. And thus I take myself seriously......too seriously.

This isn't a goal anymore. It's an obsession. I can't make it through my life without thinking about Tails or Remilia. I'm unable to concentrate at work. I'm easily irritated. I can't bring myself to remain calm. I can hardly eat and I can hardly sleep. I have to keep building her up. I have to make her better. I don't even see Tails anymore. When I pick my character, all I see is Remi. I jump from fight to fight looking for a challenge I record every fight I can to figure out what I did right and what needs to be changed. I'm always looking for newer, better competition. I want people to see me. I visit forums and stream sites everyday in hopes that I will have a chance to compete where others can see me.

Tournaments would show up and I would put everything I could on hold to attend if it was in reason (I will not call out of work to play this game). I've only had the chance to seriously participate in five SSF2 tournament. I've placed 2nd I four of them (the other one I tied for 5th). It was hard to bear losing being that close to the end, but I was content with being that close. With the arrival of the X tournament qualifier I said to myself "This is my chance to shine again". So I practiced endlessly against idle targets, computers, and players, in an attempt to truly prepare for it. I wasn't gonna be perfect, but I was gonna be ready for it.

The day of the tournament comes. The workday sucked and my co workers spent time complaining or spacing out. I tried to help all of them but I could not maintain the necessary efforts to make everything work the best they could. I wished Remi was there. But that was ok. Come 6pm est I would be ready to take my shot at the title. It's a silly title that most of the world cared nothing about. But to me it meant everything. I was gonna be ready for it. It was 20 minutes till 6pm. I turned my computer on and got everything ready. I went to the challenge website and witnessed a nightmare worse than death itself "Starting time 3pm est". I misread the tournament time.

I snapped for the 2nd time that day (which is actually still today). But I wasn't gonna yell and scream. I wasn't gonna break something. I was gonna get over it. It's just a game. Everything was gonna be fine. There's always next time..............No, there isn't a next time. I wasn't smart enough to prepare properly. I missed it.

I walked over to my Tails and other fox dolls, went to the corner of my room, curled up, and cried like a quiet child. "You stupid little fox. You should not have stayed at work overtime. You should not have stayed and had food there. They didn't need your help. Can't you do anything right?" I could not stop attacking myself. I still can't let go. These should be simple things. They should be fun. I should not be so upset over one missed little tournament. So what's the big deal?...It's that I cannot stop. I have to be there. I've found something that I love and can't let go of. I'm an addict and I cannot let it go.

This isn't me being salty. This is me bleeding. I'm not here for pity. Everything I do wrong is my own fault and my own problem. I wish Remi was here to hold me and tell me I was doing a good job; that I wasn't wasting my time; that I'm not crazy.

This is the story of my main and my sorrow. It is a pleasure, and it is a pain. Except for the time that I am gone to be a missionary (which will be in about a month) I wish I could let go. I wish I could calm down. Sometimes I even wish I never found this project, but I did. I will not allow myself to regret it. I will be here till this project ends.

I will never stop. I will never let go.

So this is what the forum is like.....