I've been working on a story for a good amount of time now, and I've decided to share it with the community.

The structure's like this: I'd have short chapters, author's notes and parts from the protagonist's view. First up would be the prologue, which is told in first person. The chapters however, are told from third person, and the author's notes and protagonists' chapters are in first person.

Enough with the chit-chat. Here's the prologue:

I’m an ordinary 13-year old. Well, at least I used to be ordinary. But that’s why my story is being told. If I were normal, there’d be no point in my story being told. Let me tell you in advance: this story will not end happily. For those of you that love happy endings, look away now.

OK. First, before we begin, a little about myself and what in the world is going on. I’m Jacob Li. As you can tell from the name, I’m Asian. Live in China, 2012. Living the difficult Asian life, filled with months of homework, constantly trying my best just to impress my parents. High expectations do get to your head.

I’ve always been as successful as successful can get, especially when it comes to grades. Where I’m from, they’re all that matter. At least to my parents anyway.

By now you’re probably thinking: “What’s so interesting about this kid anyway?” Well, I could go on about some drab cliche about how one day, my life was changed forever by something that was out of my control. It’s, to be honest about it, not that easy to explain. There’ll be multiple high notes, and multiple low notes. Expect a lot of twists and turns. I’ll stop talking now, and let the story explain itself.

And Chapter 1:
“Drat it!” Jacob shouted, as he raced out of his parent’s car door towards the nearby hall, not even leaving enough time for his mother to mouth a short “Goodbye.” “I’m going to be late for that silly, unnecessary Morning Assembly!” He rushed through the strangely empty hallway, and raced up the stairs, knowing he was late. “I can still make it!” he thought, just as he reached the doors. To his dismay, he saw the familiar face of his principal waiting at the hall’s doors.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here? Another latecomer, waiting for your punishment?” Principal Rief snarked. The principal stood tall as always, her eyes shifting in search of something important, though no one knew why. In her signature pressed suit, she looked as inviting as could get. Jacob knew better. The unassuming, kind figure of Principal Rief hid an evil spirit bent on satisfying her own desires.

“What do you want from me, Principal?” Jacob sarcastically replied. “Oh, just total and complete submission and acceptance that you've been misbehaving and that you'd listen to me.” Principal Rief replied, in a mocking, almost motherly tone. “Why should I, Principal?” Jacob snarked, and then proceeded to stare her down. She, however, remained unfazed, and told him, as sternly as possible, to "Come to the hall now for appropriate punishment." All Jacob could do was smirk as he sprinted away from the hall.

Jacob’s face turned from a sarcastic smile to that of seriousness once he heard the Principal whispering into a walkie-talkie. He ran off down the stairs, already hearing the footsteps of the guards behind him. “Not again!” he muttered, as he dashed down the long staircase. “This day can’t get any worse.”

Jacob lost track of time until he realized he reached the gate. Sprinting towards the gate to escape, he, for a moment, thought he was going to make it. The horror on his face was eminent as the guard awoke from his slumber to block him from exiting. As he found himself surrounded, he muttered a few choice swear words.

If there's any doubt about anything here, ask away. Updates will(hopefully) be weekly.

I don't think "but" is the word you're looking for here.

Does this parse?


That's quite racist.


Why even add this to the prologue? It serves no purpose. Cut it out.

And Chapter 1:

Parents', not parent's.


You could just say "a short goodbye" instead of "a short 'Goodbye.'" the extra quotation marks are completely unnecessary. Also, mouth a goodbye? Is he mute? How... tragic, I guess.


Then why does he care?


Awkward... does this parse?


That sentence is hilariously bad. "eyes sharp as a blade" sounds like something a 5th grade creative writing teacher would mark as "powerful symbolism."


Spirit. Gender neutral. Its own desires.


Why does he call her principal? Awkward. If he doesn't show any respect you may as well go the full mile and make his dialogue disrespectful.
Also, calling security on one of your students!? Wow!


Does this parse?

Too many commas.

First of all, noook, I'd like to thank you for your criticism, as it shows that you've actually read my work.

I'd like to say that I'm writing in a highly informal style. This is why I use the words and phrases I use. Regardless, they can still be improved, and I'll take your word for it, as will be mentioned in my comments.

Informal/colloquial english and bad grammar are different things.

"But" indicates a small negative, almost like a contradiction. There is nothing contradictory about not being ordinary and telling your story. In fact, if you removed the but, the sentence would make more sense.

"Living in China", not "Live in China". Unless you mean "I live in China"? Here, it's not clear he's laughing at his life or poking fun at it.

He's rambling here. I guess you could do it, but try to keep it down (it's not interesting).

As a pronoun, "her" refers to the last noun. "Spirit" is not a "her". "Spirit" is an "it".

You could always say "Sprinting towards the gate to escape, he thought for a moment that he was going to make it".

Drat. Haven't updated this in a while. Anyway, FoD, your points are all valid, and I'll change it as soon as I have time, which will not be until a few months later, due to me working on SPAM.

This is really good! Other than what's already been said, there's really no other mistakes to be fixed. Hope you can update it soon! Maybe by Christmas?

other than the story, everything is fine

Have a few chapters but someone needs to remind me to work on this.