Wrote this on the Wii internet Channel...which is hard by the way.
Name: Lily Lambert
Age: 17 yrs old, turns 18 in February.
Born: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Appearance: Pretty short for her age, clocking in at 5' 6" Dark, long Hair with bright Purple streaks at the ends. She wears red Eye shadow that droops down like a dagger. Lily has slightly paler skin than the color of ordinary Caucasian skin. Often wears Dark clothes, such as a Dark Blue T-Shirt under a Black Vest with white streaks resembling a tiger in some ways. Often wears a Belt with white streaks again resembling a Tiger. Lily is Almost always seen wearing Skin tight, Black, skinny Jeans with a rip on the jeans. Her shoes are dark and depressing high tops, covered in Blood red Splats. She is usually seen wearing glove with no fingers.

Backstory: In the Early Years of her Life, Lily's parents, and her relatives were murdered at a family gathering leaving her unscathed. When the house was investigated they heard a faint cry. The investigators were shocked to see a Baby girl, no more than two months old. She was sent to an Orphanage. The orphanage where she lived was very worn down. There were Cob-webs, spiders, and Blood everywhere. She was forced to wear ripped and tattered clothes, splattered with blood. When it seemed Lily's life was going to be like this, no love, no family, a shining beacon of hope shone through the darkness. Someone decided to adopt Lily. His name was Sirius White, he was an accomplished Businessman. He had curly blond hair, and looked like he was at least six feet tall. He was wearing a Beige business suit with a pair of jeans. When he was signing the adoption forms, Lily overheard from the loose floorboard under her ruddy bed. Lily heard the owner, Mr. Gyle, asked Sirius "Why do you want to adopt Lily?," Sirius merely replied: "When she turns eighteen you will know". After listening to this reply, her heart jumped a bit, what could this man be talking about. With these thoughts clouding her mind, Sleep didn't come. As soon as she heard Footsteps coming to her room, she quickly feigned sleep (which was hard to do, because she was still thinking about the recent news). Sirius and Mr.Gyle woke up Lily. Lily now being escorted to her new home, waved good-bye to all her fellow orphans and Mr.Gyle. Sirius's house looked like something from a fantasy. Sirius was a kind man, buying her clothes, which Lily chose. She gave Lily her own room, which looked like it belonged to someone. One night, Lily asked Sirius if he had a wife. This line Hit Sirius like a Blow to the chest. Lily understanding the situation hurried back to her room. Later that night, when Sirius tucked Lily in, He said, with a lot of Difficulty, that, "Mrs.White died at the hands of your parents...," Sirius never finished that sentence, instead he tried to leave the room. Right before leaving, Lily asked Sirius, "What happened to my parents?," Sirius didn't look back. He merely said,"They are gone." Lily decided to drop the topic and went to sleep. Lily woke up to a loving pair of arms lifting her up. The arms belonged to Sirius, He lifted Lily, and said with joy, "Lily, You are five years old today!" Lily was shocked and surprised. This is the first time anyone has ever done anything for her birthday. Lily's Birthday may have been the most succulent meal she had ever eaten. Starting with a huge stack of Pancakes, drizzled with honey to Bacon and eggs. After the Breakfast was finished Lily found out that on September the first. She was enjoyed and Puzzled. Sirius Explained what school was, and taught her basic mathematics and common knowledge facts. Lily learnt especially fast, and retained the facts well, as she could easily recite what the capital cities of Canadian provinces. When Lily started school, she was given the chance to skip Kindergarten and Grade one.


This is a WIP I know, but its my first character what do you guys think?

The design is generic and boring in every aspect. I recommend doing something that doesn't involve goth/emo punks. It's bad enough that we have to deal with them in our daily lives, we don't need them in our fantasy realms, too.

what about the story, is there something wrong or needing improvement.

lol

The story is pretty bland, and the same names are used too much. The way it's presented is hard to look at, but other than that, I don't see much mistakes in terms of grammar and punctuation.
And questions end with a question mark.

asdfgf: Okay, never mind, there's a lot of errors. I must have been half awake. Or half asleep.

As a writer, I find this a horrid story that attempts to derive emotion or suspense from the reader. This orphan adoption "your parent are dead" crap is overdone, especially in RP characters (I could lend several excruciating examples from both this forum and the old one). However, ideally I would have used this as practice for the next bio. I myself write characters I never use, just for practice, and post it here for critique (I don't seem to receive any, which possibly states that my bios as above the standards(?))

Use this bio as a springboard for better writing in the future.

Do not deny Auughan Diffjis his awesomeness and practicality.

But I use him! He's totally fair as well! Hakker's was just jealous, that's why I was denied access to the tournament.

I originally made him as a joke anyway, to see if I could get away with Godmodding.
he should be a stickies example methinks.