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My first character

Moderator: Deciton_Reven

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My first character

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Weavile

Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:29 am
Posts: 98
Gender: Male

My first character

ATTENTION. BEFORE POSTING MORE COMMENTS, READ THE BACKROUND. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU MUST READ IT FIRST. THIS DOES NOT MEAN SKIM OVER IT.

Name: Kirzima (Kirzima is just a random name that popped into my head. Not mean't to be from anything, even I don't know what it's supposed to be.)

Gender: Male

Race: Human-mutant-weird sort of thing. What I mean is his appearance is human, but his strength, skill, and his power is of a master.

Age: 15. In his human appearance. His strength, looks, power, and skill do not weaken quickly.

Personality: Surprisingly, he is relaxed, quiet, but at some times, quite talkative.

Alignment: Neutral. He doesn't care what he does, or how he does it, as long as it works out for him.

Weapons: Sword, Bow, and Magic. Kirzima is a ~~master~~ user of all weapons. His sword is slightly curved, his bow strong, his magic is at it's strongest in ice and poison.

Appearance: Normal height for a fifteen year old human, black and white hair, a long-sleeved shirt that is gray on the sleeves blending into white.

Backround:Kirzima is a ~~master~~ user of all weapons. His sword is slightly curved, his bow strong, his magic is at it's strongest in ice and poison. His race is very secretive, and Kirzima has lots of kept secrets. Kirzima has never told a secret, and probably never will. All of his race are created, and have no family. He makes money fishing, cooking, and growing things. He deceives people into thinking he is human. He loves peaches, and pie. He doesn't like most types of fish, yet fishing is one of the things he does for a living. His race ages both mentally and physically slowly, so even though he is thirty-six, he acts and looks like a fifteen year old. Maturity is one of Kirzima's race's things that don't change from normal human.

Not quite finished yet.

Last edited by Weavile on Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sun Oct 18, 2009 7:54 pm

Green Mage

Site Moderator

Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:53 pm
Posts: 2110
Country: Antarctica (aq)

Re: My first character

"Age: 13"

I can only hope you have a good justification for him being a master of all weapons and apparently magic.

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Sun Oct 18, 2009 8:50 pm

Kyzak

Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:05 pm
Posts: 1527
Location: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*♥:・ﾟ✧

Re: My first character


	Sir Shmoopy wrote: Name: Kirzima Very odd name unless this is suppose to be a fantasy setting. Nonetheless, such things are your choice. Gender: Male Race: Human Age: 13 Absolutely not. Unless he's some sort of, say, child prodigy or son of a god, this makes no sense. Delving further into the s* that is teenagers with huge weapons, the kind of mentality a just-out-of-prepubescence teenager that's this heavily armed must be between "f* psycho" and "serial killer". I really don't get it. Alignment: Neutral Sort of pointless as this sort of thing can generally be incorporated into a background, which, at least at the moment, you lack. At any rate, no problems here. Weapons: Sword, Bow, and Magic. Kirzima is a master of all weapons. His sword is slightly curved, his bow strong, his magic is at it's strongest in ice and ghost, dark, and the likes, and poison. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Master of all weapons at thirteen? Moreover, where in the world would a thirteen year old obtain such weaponry? As for magic, I have no idea what you're basing your elements off of. It looks like pokemon, but that's just me. That's a lot of magic, even for your standard overpowered teenager. That could definitely be toned down quite a bit. Could have a lot more depth and detail in the first place (Such as: What does the hilt of the sword look like? What's it made out of? Does it have any unique properties? What materials is the bow made out of? What does he fire if he has no arrows?). Appearance: Normal height, long-ish blackgreywhite hair, white and black clothing. Only gives the basic understanding of what the character looks like. What is normal height for someone of his time? You're the only one that would know this. "Long-ish" is not descriptive in the least. I'm not asking for exact measurements in feet and inches, but nonetheless. "White and black clothing"? Is he some sort of gentleman? Is he wearing a tuxedo or something? It leaves a reader too puzzled to leave it simply as it is. Sure, leaving a reader to fill the blanks with their imagination is a very good habit to take on in writing, but that's over the line. I'll finish this.

Comments in bold.

Sun Oct 18, 2009 9:28 pm

J-Corp

Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 6:03 pm
Posts: 956

Re: My first character

~~Kyzak, was that to show off? Your comments were longer than his bio.~~

Edit: Scratch that! His bio should have been longer but it wasn't. And more detailed.

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Adopted by DH and Kiki.

Adopted NT, Sargent Frost, Azrael, HBM, SPB, Kevin, Konami, Edgy, SF, SL, and Yoyo.
May the path of the hero lead to the Triforce.

Sun Oct 18, 2009 9:41 pm

{420}sMoKeWeEd{420}

Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:03 pm
Posts: 2825
Location: being a genius Gender: little girl
Country: Japan (jp)

Gender: Anime Girl

Re: My first character

whoa holy s*** his hair is omnipotent?
it's f*** black gray and white at the same time!

Mon Oct 19, 2009 3:10 pm

Weavile

Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:29 am
Posts: 98
Gender: Male

Re: My first character

Fixed lots of stuff.

Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:21 pm

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