So yeah, I've been going on and off on this idea for quite a while... Mostly due to writer's block keeping me from writing my main series, much less having time to try and put a spoof together, not to mention audiobook stuff and all that. But I decided to see if I could get any thoughts on this piece I've been contemplating: one part Superman, one part King of the Hill, and the rest bad stereotyping regarding my home state that, like most stereotyping, is still indeed based on fact.

Keep in mind this is kind of a pilot for this series. I don't know just how many elements of the writing style will remain. That and I intentionally went for a simplistic kind of feel to evoke more of a comic book feel... Let me know if it seems effective or not.

I cannot promise this will be funny to anyone who has never lived in Midwestern America... I can't even promise it'll be funny to people who HAVE/DO live in Midwestern America. But I wanted to try my hand at something like this. So here I go:

Hammy over the top narrator- It was a busy, bustling Saturday at the first weekend of the Des Moines farmer’s market when it all began! Another of Iowa’s famously cold and slippery winters out of its way, the citizens of the fine state were looking forward to a chance to again relish one of their favorite activities in the form of closed off, outdoor shopping! It is a place for sampling all the wonders of Iowan culture! Such as fresh corn on the cob, corn on the cob flavored ice cream, kettle corn, warm, delicious breakfast burritos wrapped in corn tortillas and hand stitched urses with the image of corn sewn into them! And at a single little stand sat Clifford Harl, proud proprietor of pounds of his preferred produce, delicious Adel sweetcorn! Clifford Harl is a handsome, upstanding Iowan citizen, his physique displaying the efforts of his corn farming kind: Tall, muscular and with a head of bright blonde hair on his head.
(A young woman makes her way to the stand and opens her purse)
Woman- How much are you selling for sir?
Clifford- Four dollars to the dozen ma’am!
Woman- My my, how ever would a man such as yourself stay in business selling so cheap? You don’t use those dreadful pesticides do you?
Clifford- Most certainly not my fine customer! The Harl family farms has used nothing but the best and most natural of methods to grow our corn over the last four generations! Go ahead, you can even try it raw!
Woman- Well… How can I say no to a man who clearly has no inside voice? (She takes a bite of a small ear he offered her)
Clifford- Why ever would I need an inside voice when we are outdoors ma’am?
Woman- Oh my goodness- This is corn?! It tastes like candy!
Clifford- Well it is sweetcorn my fine lady! (The two laugh as the woman retrieves some bills from her purse)
Woman- I’d like two dozen then! Please. And I’ll be sure to tell all my friends at the market today all about it!
Clifford- A pleasure doing business with you ma’am! Don’t send them too fast though, I’m about to go on my break! Sample the rest of the morning’s wares!
Hammy over the top narrator- And so, after inspecting the facilities of the nearest closed business building (he’d have used the portables like the other folks, but he had food to handle!) Clifford Harl ventured out to examine the other stands around the farmer’s market, a sign regarding a policy of honesty left at his simultaneously humble but profitable stand of sweetcorn! It was nearing lunch time and we was intent on trying something new, when he noted a number of people standing just outside a stand run by a Salvadorian man, struggling to quell their bouts of anger in a tragically broken English!
People of the crowd- You have poisoned us with your pupusas! Enruptured us with your enpenadas! Made us horf with your horchatas!
Clifford- (Muttering to himself) Amazing alliteration amongst an angry array and assortment… (He speaks up) Settle down, all of you! What seems to be the trouble?
Man in crowd- This guy just tried to kill us with his taco van class Mexican food!
Salvadorian man- Es actually El Salva- (He is quickly covered by the noise of the crowd)
Clifford- (Struggling to push past the angry market goers) Now now settle down! All of you! You say this man’s food made you sick?
Crowd- Yes!
Hammy over the top narrator- Clifford Harl looked at the frightened Salvadorian man running the Salvadorian stand! He looked frightened! Clifford Harl thought himself an exceedingly good judge of character and he had bought from the stand himself in the past! He knew full and well it was not tainted!
Clifford- Sir, when did this crowd become so angry?
Salvadorian man- Just after I stop to take my break senior… I come back and they cry “the meat is bad! The meat is bad!”
Hammy over the top narrator- Seeing the concern in the eyes of his fellow man, Clifford Harl walks closer to examine the meat roasting on its spit and takes a long inhale, noting something wrong, something that made his nose crinkle.
Clifford- Pesticides…
Hammy over the top narrator- A stench that truly makes the good Clifford Harl cringe! Eventually with the support of Clifford Harl the crowd dissipates and the Salvadorian man is wished well, hopefully his sales can begin again the next week! And so that week passes, Clifford Harl continuing to tend to his fields using only the most caring and careful methods to produce his renowned sweetcorn! And again that next Saturday Clifford Harl sells his fine batch of produce at highly economical prices! He again takes his break during a slower point of the farmer’s market and departs to get some lunch! As he does however, he notes the general, resentful quiet around the Salvadorian man’s stand! The crowds of Iowans have not forgotten their meals of insect-killing meat, and he sadly looks at his nearly full roast upon the spit! Moved with quiet pity, Clifford Harl makes his way over to him.
Clifford- I know you didn’t do that to your own meat… May I have a pupusa?
Salvadorian man- Gracias senior… No one wants to buy from me now… It’s hard to make money.
Clifford- Well I’m looking forward to this! And here’s a little extra, business has been good on my side.
Salvadorian man- Propina! Gracias senior, gracias!
Hammy over the top narrator- As Clifford Carl bites into his tasty sandwich of pork and cheese, there is another round of yells and angry protest. Clifford Carl runs, still eating his lunch, to see just what the commotion could be about, only to find a new crowd yelling angrily at a family of Indians, their claims perfectly emulating the cries of the previous week and Clifford Harl noting the distinct smell of insecticide upon the tandoori chicken… Someone must have been behind these nefarious plots, but who?!

(We cut to late that afternoon as a solitary man in a coat and glasses walks down the quiet Des Moines street. It is the weekend, and as such few cars are driving about as a result of the worker’s day off, and the scene has not yet started for the city’s many drinkers. The man arrives at his small, dingy apartment, sets aside his glasses and falls down upon a dusty couch, cracking open a bottle of Miller Light. He flips through the channels for a few minutes before he hears the phone ring)
Man- Hello?
Voice on the phone- Why did you do it?
Man- Excuse me?
Voice- For two weeks now the good people at the farmer’s market have been plagued by a mysterious menace spraying pesticides all over their wares!
Man- I don’t know what you’re talking about! I wasn’t even at the-
Voice- I followed you here. I know what you did. You left behind a stink the common man can’t smell. Unfortunately for you, you pesticide spreading menace, I am not a common man!
Man- (Shaken, he walks across the room and grabs a baseball bat sitting in the corner) What- What is this?! You’re… At my home?! Look pal (He stands right by the door, bat in hand) I don’t want any trouble-
Voice- Too late.
Hammy over the top narrator- And with that a fist is forced through the door and the man is grabbed! Screaming in fear, the voice pushes through and puts him against a wall on the opposite side of the room.
Voice that we can now see but due to perspective and dramatic integrity we don’t see clearly- Why’d you do it? Why did you put that Salvadorian and those Indians out of customers?!
Man- I didn’t! Good lord- Who are you?! Look what you did to my door! I swear, I didn’t hurt no Salvadorians or Natives! I swear!
Voice- Not talking huh? Perhaps you need to learn the consequences of your actions! What kind of people you hurt! Criminals like you should be made to know-
Hammy over the top narrator- As the mysterious man continues his questioning, there is a yell from outside the door.
New guy- Geeze Mark! What’d ya do?! I leave for ten minutes to get some wings for the game and you wreck the place this bad?
(The man who the writer still has not described in any real detail slowly turns to the man carrying the chicken wings who just walked in. He is dressed entirely in black and reeks of pesticide. There is a moment of quiet between the three of them as they all try and comprehend the situation before the still undescribed man sheepishly drops the one he was holding and with incredible speed and power-)
Hammy over the top narrator- Though not grace!
(Flies through the brick wall of the apartment, leaving both of his spectators with jaws slack in awe)

(The next Saturday comes and the farmer’s market is again open for business. Again Clifford Harl’s stand is selling sweetcorn by the dozens, though the growing disdain for the Salvadorian and Indian populace is evident)
Hammy over the top narrator- Clifford Harl’s eyes are peeled, trying to find the culprit behind the pesticide attacks before he can strike again. Even if he must leave his stand to do so!
Man at stand- Excuse me…? Sir? Sir!
Clifford- Wha- Oh I am sorry my good man! Did you need something?
Man- Yeah, I’ve been waiting for a while… Are you starring at something?
Clifford- Just waiting for something to happen I suppose…
Hammy over the top narrator- As if on cue, there is a shriek from across the market! Clifford Harl immediately abandons his stand and runs towards the scream, ignoring the man who came to his stand, only shouting
Clifford- Honesty is the best policy!
Hammy over the top narrator- Clifford Harl runs with athletic speed towards the chaos! The same man in black whose apartment had been broken into the previous week was now clutching the screaming woman running the stand, the nozzle of a bottle of pesticide held up to her face!
Man in black- Any of you make one wrong move and this lady will never get a mosquito bite again!
Man in ever growing crowd- That’s… Not a very good threat.
Man in black- Because this stuff is leathel in high doses! … REALLY high doses but hey, I already ruined the kanelgifler, I got stuff to spare!
Hammy over the top narrator- Deciding that the situation is growing too intense, mild mannered Clifford Harl retreats into the nearest building: Iowa’s Capital Square. For several minutes the man in black snarls towards the crowd, still trying to figure a way out with control over his damsel, until-
Bold, booming voice- Release that innocent woman you fiend!
Hammy over the top narrator- The crowd freezes and looks upward. Suspended in air- neigh- effortlessly flying above them stands the man with the great voice! He wears a red, one piece uniform and a bright blue cape, the great state of Iowa embroidered on his chest and a domino mask covering his face just below his brilliant blonde hair! He is muscular, he is mighty, and he now stares down the man who rained pesticide upon the ordinarily organically run parade that is the Des Moines farmer’s market!
Man in black- Wha- What?! Who are you supposed to be?!
Booming voiced man- I am the man who has come to liberate the good people of Iowa from menaces such as yourself! I will not allow you to further hurt our proud farmer’s market!
Hammy over the top narrator- Shaking in fear, the man in black brings the devilish hose closer to the woman, continuing to threaten to insecticide her face should he come any closer! But with speed rivaling that of depression rates after the end of the Iowa State Fair, the man with the booming voices rushes in close and delivers a great punch to the villain’s stomach, knocking him to the ground, writhing and out of breath. The man clutches the woman he just saved.
Booming voiced man- Are you alright ma’am?
Woman- Why- why yes I am… My lord you saved me from that horrible man! I wasn’t even supposed to be here! For goodness sakes I’m a schoolteacher! I was just filling in for my sister-
Booming voiced man- It’s alright now ma’am!
Man in black- Oh is it now?!
Hammy over the top narrator- And with the strength of a devil the man in black threw himself back up and delivered a powerful spray to the face of Des Moines’s newest savior. The crowd gasped as he emptied his entire container unto the man’s face, and only did so again when, to his horror, the man remained unharmed!
Booming voiced man- Nice try friend. But I’m afraid I like to take care of pests the old fashioned way!
Hammy over the top narrator- And with that he delivered another mighty punch and defeated the horrible pesticide perpetrator!

(Later that night, at the Adel home of Clifford Harl, we find the farmer watching television)
Female reporter Stacey Horst- And in today’s news, shoppers downtown today got a little more than they bargained for. For the last two weeks there have been reports of food poisoning… And now we finally have an answer way. (Clifford Harl smiled to himself a little). The recently identified Matthew Collins was discovered to have been spraying pesticides upon the food items of vendors at the Des Moines farmer’s market. Collins has been taken into police custody while pleading the fifth.
But more significant than that was how he was caught! Collins was apprehended while trying to take a hostage by- and I can’t believe I’m saying this, a masked vigilante with flight and super strength! We got a good quote or two earlier from the woman he managed to rescue, a miss May Dee, a woman of Norwegian decent running the stand that was attacked by the sprayer today.
The beautiful May Dee- I mean now… Now I don’t think I can describe it! It all just happened in a brilliant flash of red light! One minute I was a captive, and the next this amazing man was helping me stand up!
Stacey Horst- Many Iowans rushed to cheer for the vigilante for saving the woman, and this clip was donated to us to get a real sense of just how excited they all were.
The crowd- He’s a hero!
He’s our greatest hero!
What is your name great hero of Iowa?!
His name must be The Hawkeye!
No no no! Just look at his colors! He’s clearly a Cyclone!
But he isn’t terrible, so he can’t be a Cyclone!
Yeah, well I’m pretty sure someone else already has the market cornered on naming superheroes Hawkeye-
We should call him The Blonde Bomber!
Booming voiced man- Good people of my proud state! I do not seek a fancy title. I do not seek undeserved pride! For I know I only do what all of you would do if you possessed my powers… I am no god, I am only gifted… I only seek to follow the ways of our proud state! Therefore, I am no Cyclone, no Hawkeye… I kinda liked the Blonde Bomber thing… But no! People of Iowa sing for joy, and criminals of my state take heed. For I- Am The Iowan!
Hammy over the top narrator- There was much cheering from the television then! Clifford Harl only continued to smile to himself as he rose from his spot and turned off his television. It would be an early day on the farm the next morning. He knew he should get some sleep! But before he fell into his great comfortable bed to sleep in solitude, he reached underneath and produced a great box, opening it and admiring its contents.
Clifford- It was a good way to start… All uphill from here.
Hammy over the top narrator- For within that great box was the same uniform worn by the great hero who had saved the farmer’s market! Unbeknownst to the other citizens of his state, Clifford Harl was on his way to becoming the greatest crime fighter in all the Midwest! For with his great powers and great respect for his homeland, Clifford Harl was no ordinary man… Clifford Harl is… The Iowan!

Shutup Ziku.

rude