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Xander Silverthorns 
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Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:22 pm
Posts: 36
Location: The Void
Gender: Male
Ok this is my second and my well thought out bio for a new charater
so yea your the judges

Name:Xander Silverthorns

Gender:Male

Age:24

Race:Human

Personality:Hes brave,nice,funny,caring,mean if threatened (eh idk what to put)

Appearance:He has blue messy hair,black,and red armor (which looks like spiked shoulderpads,metal kneepads with a katana on his back and metal chestplate,legplates). But when not in armor he wears black shirt,and silk pants. He is about 6.2 in height

Abilities:Natural Swordsmen,smooth talker,a good battle planner (dont know other word for it),good with tools (same as personality idk what to put)

Background/Biography:He been training with swords since 10 before that it was sticks. He praticed with his father a lot. His dad was a swordsmen and died in battle of humans and demons that the person who controled the demons planned for years,Xander was only 12 when it happened. After that he trained with wooden dummys. There is his older brother whose a blacksmith and who helps around the house. His Mom works day and night for a living to pay for the house. His baby sister whose only 3. Soon after he turned 18 he left to clean up towns and that was ruined by demons and help with towns that are terrorized by demons.

_________________
~Hoot hoo~

~A secret place for me and you. Where everyday was fun and new. A simple time played in our heads. We'll tell this story again..~


Last edited by Silverthorns on Mon Dec 26, 2011 12:53 am, edited 12 times in total.



Thu Sep 16, 2010 4:18 pm
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Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 8:03 pm
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Hollow King wrote:
Ok This Is My Second And My Well Thought Out Bio For A New Charater Be Easy On Him OK.

Name:Ichi Kuran (Full Name Is Ichihara Isha Kuran) Ooooh boy. Everyone here hates Japanese names...

Gender:Male No comment.

Age:24 No comment.

Race:Human Yay.

Personality:Hes Brave,Clumsy,Lazy,and Nice Sensitive To Others And Cares About people and help with people problems Overused...

Appearance:He Has Blue Messy Hair and Black And Red Armor (Which Looks Like Spiked Shoulderpads And Metal Kneepads With A Big Sword On His Back Metal Chestplate and Legplate) But When Not In Armor He Wears Black shirt and Blue Jeans and About 6.2 in height AAUGH TEH LACK OF GRAMMAR HAS CREATED A GIANT BLACK HOLE IN THE UNIVERSE NOOOOOOO

Plus, there's a big sword. Big swords are also overused.


Abilities:Natural Swordsmen,smooth talker,A Good Battle Planner (dont know other word for it),Good with tools Mm hmm.

Background/Biography:Been Training With Swords Since 10 Before That It Was Sticks.He praticed with his father a lot His dad Was a swordsmen and died in battle.There Is his older brother whose a blacksmith who helps around the house.His Mom Works Day and Night For A living to pay for the house. His Baby Sister Whose Only 5
but demons killed his family when he was 18 he Swore revenge to the all Demon And Their Master He Been On the Road Since Then Killing Demons,Saving Villages,Help Clean Towns.I should probably leave the others to tear at your backstory, but oh well. Overused plot. Also, who was he training with after his father died? What war was he fighting? What does his mom do for work? And why is he cleaning the towns?

(looks over backstory) I think that's about it.

waitaminuteAAAAAUGH TEH LACK OF GRAMMAR HAS CREATED ANOTHER BLACK HOLE AND ITS EATING THE SUN AND THE MOON AND JUPITER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!


Comments in bold. I tried to go easy on you.


Goodbye now, I have two black holes to stop...


Thu Sep 16, 2010 4:58 pm
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Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:22 pm
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ok ill fix it or try to Wait Im Bad With names

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~Hoot hoo~

~A secret place for me and you. Where everyday was fun and new. A simple time played in our heads. We'll tell this story again..~


Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:01 pm
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Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 8:03 pm
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Just make up something random that rolls of the tongue. Like..."Keith Arahan". (No using that either...)

And remember, if Kyzak comes along, listen to him. He can be harsh, but he's usually right.


Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:07 pm
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Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:22 pm
Posts: 36
Location: The Void
Gender: Male
ok

_________________
~Hoot hoo~

~A secret place for me and you. Where everyday was fun and new. A simple time played in our heads. We'll tell this story again..~


Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:09 pm
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Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:22 pm
Posts: 36
Location: The Void
Gender: Male
Ok name changed and grammer fixed anything else oh and appearence fixed too.

_________________
~Hoot hoo~

~A secret place for me and you. Where everyday was fun and new. A simple time played in our heads. We'll tell this story again..~


Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:26 pm
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Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 8:03 pm
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There's still a bit of grammar to fix (put 1 space between a period and the next sentence, for example), and don't double post.


Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:28 pm
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Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:22 pm
Posts: 36
Location: The Void
Gender: Male
k..wait you like the new name

_________________
~Hoot hoo~

~A secret place for me and you. Where everyday was fun and new. A simple time played in our heads. We'll tell this story again..~


Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:30 pm
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Yeah, it's pretty good Sounds strangely familiar though...


Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:33 pm
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Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:22 pm
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really i just made it up though weird uh

_________________
~Hoot hoo~

~A secret place for me and you. Where everyday was fun and new. A simple time played in our heads. We'll tell this story again..~


Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:34 pm
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Joined: Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:05 pm
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Location: in your heart all along
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I'm much too lazy to question anything else, but...

You give us no information about why the heck there was a war between humans and demons, and that is a bad thing. You need to flesh things out more, 'kay?

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Fri Sep 17, 2010 2:50 pm

Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:05 pm
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Location: (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*♥:・゚✧
DensetsuNoKaboom wrote:
idiocy


shut up you have no idea what you're talking about

Hollow King wrote:
Ok this is my second and my well thought out bio for a new charater
so yea your the judges

Name:Xander Silverthorn This sounds terrible, but the name rarely matters as long as it is era-appropriate, which is something you fail to cite anywhere.

Gender:Male

Age:24 Jesus, it's about time. This is reasonable.

Race:Human

Personality:Hes brave,nice,funny,caring,mean if threatened This isn't even his personality in a nutshell. You've completely disregarded detail in favor of throwing a few words together and hoping they'll mean the same thing you're thinking to everybody else. Leaving room for interpretation is a good thing, but there is a fine line between too much and too little. Guess which side you're on. That being said, even if you went through the apparently gargantuan effort of detailing this section, it would be terribly generic; there are personality traits out there that manage to avoid grouping with heroic traits and be interesting at the same time. That should be your ultimate goal: create an interesting role and live up to expectations when you use it.

Appearance:He has blue messy hair and black and red armor (which looks like spiked shoulderpads,and metal kneepads with a katana on his back,metal chestplate,and legplate).But when not in armor he wears black shirt and blue jeans and about 6.2 in height This was already said, but I will reiterate in case you failed to understand: Your grammar is absolutely atrocious. Put spaces between punctuation and the following sentence, don't use "and" to proceed a comma if you can help it, and for god's sakes don't use "and" twice in two conjunctive sentences (or in a row, for that matter). There are plenty of words you can use as stand-ins if you're half-decent at sentence structure and fluidity, although that isn't exactly talent you demonstrate. I've bolded all the "ands" so you can see just how horrid it is. I won't comment on the choice of dressing because I doubt I could dissuade you from it no matter what I do.

p.s i just noticed holy f*** there are demons and villages but blue jeans are wholly f*** available?? get your eras straight


Abilities:Natural Swordsmen,smooth talker,a good battle planner (dont know other word for it),good with tools The first thing I noticed here is that he has nothing but strong points. He's not bad at anything, he's just really good at some things. I shouldn't have to explain that from reading this sentence, I can tell this character is a mary sue. Now, I don't claim to be an expert on combat and the psychological problems that stem from it, but a grizzled warrior that apparently slays demons doesn't seem like he would have much room to learn how to be a strategist and a charmer, much less become a tradesman in f*** in his spare time.

Background/Biography:He been training with swords since 10 before that it was sticks.He praticed with his father a lot.His dad was a swordsmen and died in battle of humans and demons.After that he trained with wooden dummys.There is his older brother whose a blacksmith and who helps around the house.His Mom works day and night for a living to pay for the house.And his baby sister whose only.Demons killed his family when he was 18.He swore revenge to the all demons and their master.He has been on the road since then killing demons,saving villages,help clean up towns that have been ruined by demons. You've opened at an important event in this character's childhood and an explanation for his expert swordsmanship. This is good; however, the execution is terrible. "I trained with swords when I was young" gives the reader no hint of this character's personality, and the death of his father certainly doesn't help when it comes to shaping his personality in the reader's mind (something you failed to help along with). I am fairly sure a prepubescent child would react to his father's death with at least some manner of shock and awe, if not falling into crippling depression shortly after bawling his eyes out. Afterwards you give further foundation for his swordsmanship; again, good. Then you fall into a sentence or two about his family with all the subtly of a gunshot, the previous sentence not at all relating to the following. If you're going to use an excuse to kill off your character's family so you don't have to bother detailing them, at least detail how he keeps surviving these s*** demon attacks. You follow up with a solidified-if stereotypical-- goal, ultimately giving your character purpose for existing; and more importantly, for deserving a biography about him at all. I appreciate that you tied this character up even if it was lacking in finesse, but you still need a lot of work.

It would be best for you to keep one thing in mind if you intend to make another character, or even rewrite this one: Use effort. You're not going to write a masterpiece under a time limit. I spend the majority of my time during during writing fidgeting with what I've already written until the next sentence can come with fluidity; even this counts. The only other thing I can think of in a heartbeat is your grammar. I've already outlined what you need to work on in that area; it's up to you to build off of it.


Sat Sep 18, 2010 8:15 am
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Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:22 pm
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Ok updated bio got rid on demons killing his family and stuff and put some other stuff in.

_________________
~Hoot hoo~

~A secret place for me and you. Where everyday was fun and new. A simple time played in our heads. We'll tell this story again..~


Sat Sep 18, 2010 1:46 pm

Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:05 pm
Posts: 1527
Location: (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*♥:・゚✧
I told you commas could be used as a stand-in for "and". I did not tell you to use them every f*** word. You're still failing to put space between punctuation and the following sentence. I have no idea why I'm bothering since all you're going to do is what I tell you to do. If you need a hint, that's bad.


Sat Sep 18, 2010 2:35 pm
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Location: being a genius Gender: little girl
Country: Japan (jp)
Gender: Anime Girl
that's the problem with fags, they'll follow your instructions down to every word but are completely unable to do anything on their own


Sun Sep 19, 2010 5:56 pm
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