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 [ 6 posts ] 
My first charcter. 

Is this character good?
Great! 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Good. 43%  43%  [ 3 ]
Bad. 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Awful 57%  57%  [ 4 ]
Total votes : 7

My first charcter. 
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Joined: Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:05 pm
Posts: 1503
Location: in your heart all along
Gender: Female
Well, the title says it all so...


name: David Krane
Weapons: gum and fists
age:12
Appearance: Ness style hat, red T-shirt, blue shorts, normal white socks, black soccer cleets, blue eyes, freckles, and messy blonde hair.
Bio: his city was destroyed by the alchemist while he was camping. The alchemist is an evil man (i'll make an entire bio on him when i feel like it) who uses other people who's ability he has enhanced, with more than just a little extra speed or power. David stole the formula for ice/fire/bungee/clay/static from him awhile ago by using a temporary strength potion... with quite a bit of an enhancement. however it wasn't quite temporary, as when he becomes entirely enraged he goes into "Berserk mode" he loses his mind in this state and tends to destroy what was enraging him. he IS quite the chemistry expert, and makes more types of gum by experimenting with the ones he stole. the reason that the alchemist destroyed his city was because of an extremely rare potion ingredeint buried under it, so he flattened it.
types of gum:
bungee: basicly just really stretchy.
gun: when spit turns into mini fireball, when blown into bubble is like a bomb. the reason for this is because it has extremely tight chemicles inside that explode when the reach the air, the reason the chemicles dont affect him is because after he chews it any chemicles on his teeth are no longer tight.
static: gum that slowly charges electricity, then erupts into a strong attack. the reason for this is that it absorbs electricity from the air with a special coating of chemicles, the reason it doseant affect him is because there is closed in air in his mouth, and the coating is acctually PART of the gum. So it wont come off.
Clay:a few seconds after being spit out it will grow and harden, used to quickly craft weapons. the reason it works is because of special minrals that harden when they reach the air. and more of them that multiply when the other one that it combines with (the previosly said) activates. the reason it doseant effect him is because the hardening one only effects gum. the reason the multiplying one doseant work is because its a part of the gum.
ice: basicly like gun but with ice. the reason it works is because of extremely tight chemicles that freeze when exposed to air, combined with the multiplying chemicle from the clay gum. the reason it doseant effect him is because, like the gun gum, it is no longer tight after a few seconds of being chewed.

Random extra notes: the strength potion only increases strength, nothing else. and the camp he went to was quite a bit away. and ness style hat = Baseball cap with a red top and blue visor. at least i explaned how things work with the gum, and it only explodes on contacy with a certain amount of it. there isnt much electricity in the air in his mouth. and yeah, the weapons of clay ARE fragile... and the gum does taste really bad... but it can be used to block attacks quickly. He copies the chemicals off of the original potions.


So yeah, C/C?

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Last edited by War P. Anda on Tue Oct 20, 2009 7:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Oct 20, 2009 5:37 pm

Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:05 pm
Posts: 1527
Location: (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*♥:・゚✧
WarPandaXI wrote:
Well, the title says it all so...


name: David Krane
Weapons: gum and fists Oh god, here we go.
age:12 Everyone already knows how I feel about CHILD PRODIGIES and TEENAGERS WITH HUGE SWORDS. This one is slightly more tame but that doesn't justify it in the least. Unless this kid is some emotionless bastard (since what else is he going to do with gum that does all this different LETHAL s*** but kill people) it makes absolutely no sense.
Appearance: Ness style hat, red T-shirt, blue shorts, normal white socks, black soccer cleets, blue eyes, freckles, and messy blonde hair. A "list" of what the character is wearing is rarely a good idea. It isn't fluid, it completely murders detail (as, again, you are plainly listing what the character is wearing) and detail is key to getting better at roleplaying. Grammar is, too, but I won't start on that. What is "Ness-style"? You can't automatically assume everyone reading this atrocity will know who Ness is, much less what he looks like. What tone is his skin? Does he have any unique markings (and oh god I do not encourage this) or anything like that?
Bio: his city was destroyed by the alchemist while he was camping. The alchemist is an evil man (i'll make an entire bio on him when i feel like it) who uses other people who's ability he has enhanced, with more than just a little extra speed or power. David stole the formula for ice/fire/bungee/clay/static from him awhile ago by using a temporary strength potion... with quite a bit of an enhancement. however it wasn't quite temporary, as when he becomes entirely enraged he goes into "Berserk mode" he loses his mind in this state and tends to destroy what was enraging him. he IS quite the chemistry expert, and makes more types of gum by experimenting with the ones he stole. the reason that the alchemist destroyed his city was because of an extremely rare potion ingredeint buried under it, so he flattened it. An entire city? And one can assume, considering this is your "first character", that he is the only survivor period? If one destroyed an entire city, don't you think there would be a considerably larger blast radius then the city itself? He must have been far, far off if so. How does this 'alchemist' obtain other people's abilities in the first place? How does he 'copy' them, persay? Or is it a Sylar deal where he takes the ability away from them? How do the abilities get enhanced? How, exactly, did a pre-teen steal from the alchemist? Was it right out of his goddamn pocket or did he go through a giant-ass castle, first? How did he obtain the strength potion? And, of course, every first character must have a super form to automatically defeat everything ever. How is a pre-teen a chemistry expert, being, well, a god f*** damn pre-teen? Moreover, where did this kid get any more then a chemistry set designed for young children? How was the city "flattened" and wouldn't you think this knowledge of a potion ingredient would be known (and already thoroughly extracted) by the city's figureheads?
types of gum:
bungee: basicly just really stretchy. Way to describe things.
gun: when spit turns into mini fireball, when blown into bubble is like a bomb. the reason for this is because it has extremely tight chemicles inside that explode when the reach the air, the reason the chemicles dont affect him is because after he chews it any chemicles on his teeth are no longer tight. You sure do like your extremely tight "chemicles" (It's "chemicals", by the way) for just about anything one can imagine. That really doesn't make any sense; if the "chemicles" explode on contact with air, he'd blow his a** up, as if it is air-sensitive, it's f*** air-sensitive, not "air-sensitive, but give or take a few seconds before it's actually air-sensitive ok" Again, no sense is made. Why do the "chemicles" loosen up? How would it work at all if the "chemicles" get loose upon being chewed when 90% of this s*** relies on the "extremely tight chemicles" reaching the air WHILE STILL TIGHT?
static: gum that slowly charges electricity, then erupts into a strong attack. the reason for this is that it absorbs electricity from the air with a special coating of chemicles, the reason it doseant affect him is because there is closed in air in his mouth, and the coating is acctually PART of the gum. So it wont come off. First of all, how the hell does it charge electricity without f*** scorching his mouth? I highly doubt this "coating of special chemicles" would be present if this gum were to actually do anything at all. The rest I don't understand due to engrish and bad detail.
Clay:a few seconds after being spit out it will grow and harden, used to quickly craft weapons. the reason it works is because of special minrals that harden when they reach the air. and more of them that multiply when the other one that it combines with (the previosly said) activates. the reason it doseant effect him is because the hardening one only effects gum. the reason the multiplying one doseant work is because its a part of the gum. s*** must taste terrible. At any rate, clay-weapons? Really? You might as well make a sword out of rounded glass. Fragile, doesn't do s***, doesn't pierce or cut.
ice: basicly like gun but with ice. the reason it works is because of extremely tight chemicles that freeze when exposed to air, combined with the multiplying chemicle from the clay gum. the reason it doseant effect him is because, like the gun gum, it is no longer tight after a few seconds of being chewed. How the hell does this kid have so many different types of 'chemicles'? He is some f*** sort of kid? I give up. This isn't worth it anymore.


So yeah, C/C?


Comments in bold. If you can't take criticism, you shouldn't have posted this at all.


Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:06 pm
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Joined: Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:05 pm
Posts: 1503
Location: in your heart all along
Gender: Female
Edit: look at the random notes section.

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Last edited by War P. Anda on Tue Oct 20, 2009 7:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:20 pm

Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:05 pm
Posts: 1527
Location: (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*♥:・゚✧
;D wrote:
Don't tell me, put it into your f*** bio.


Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:23 pm
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Joined: Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:05 pm
Posts: 1503
Location: in your heart all along
Gender: Female
no, too lazy. also, thank you for the C/C and no, i'm not being sarcastic.

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Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:26 pm
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Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:44 pm
Posts: 675
Location: Canada
Country: Canada (ca)
Gender: N/A
Currently Playing: Dota 2
WarPandaXI wrote:
no, too lazy. also, thank you for the C/C and no, i'm not being sarcastic.

If you're too lazy to just copy pasta something into your bio, I wouldn't even bother trying to RP

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Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:53 pm
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