View unanswered posts | View active topics It is currently Fri Jul 20, 2018 3:48 am



Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 
Mathias Larson 
Author Message
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jan 18, 2009 6:47 pm
Posts: 158
Location: The world
Gender: Male
Currently Playing: Games
Reply with quote
Name: Matthias “Matty/Matt” Larson
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Height: 6’ 1”
Race: Human
Personality: Quite, blunt, slightly egocentric
Appearance: Dark brown hair over left eye, ponytail over one shoulder, dark brown eyes, skinny but not malnourished skinny
Usual Outfit: blue hoodie, dark blue pants of unspecified cloth, black shoes
Dress Outfit: black pant of unspecified cloth, black dress shoes, collared long-sleeve white shirt, black vest
Special Abilities: can maintain body heat through internal breathing to an extent, can manipulate chi to short bursts of healing, strength, and speed
Combat: uses metal (unspecified but stronger than steel) Bo staff, also proficient in hand-to-hand combat

Here is my first online RP character, I would like feed back, I will actually try and improve my char before entering in any RP aside from PvP battles I wouldn't mind practicing those

_________________
Image Member:1955 Hyes


Mon Feb 28, 2011 6:50 pm
Profile
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jun 13, 2010 4:58 pm
Posts: 2715
Location: Kalifornio
Country: Somalia (so)
Gender: Anime Girl
Currently Playing: Mandolin
Reply with quote
Don't have a lot of time, but I'll try balancing this with my essay

The biggest issue is that there is not enough detail. Expand each description to at least 3 sentences.
Also a bio would be great.

_________________


Mon Feb 28, 2011 9:52 pm
Profile
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:53 pm
Posts: 2104
Country: Antarctica (aq)
Gender: Female
Reply with quote
Water_kelpi wrote:
Name: Matthias “Matty/Matt” Larson
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Height: 6’ 1”
Race: Human
Personality: Quite Quiet?, blunt, slightly egocentric Flesh it a bit more, doesn't really say anything about this character.
Appearance: Dark brown hair over left eye, ponytail over one shoulder, dark brown eyes, skinny but not malnourished skinny Skin colour? And well, more details, like eye shape maybe.
Usual Outfit: blue hoodie, dark blue pants of unspecified cloth, black shoes Sneakers? Athletic? etc.
Dress Outfit: black pant of unspecified cloth Again with the unspecified, perhaps name a cloth, unless it's a special kind, black dress shoes, collared long-sleeve white shirt, black vest
Special Abilities: can maintain body heat through internal breathing to an extent, can manipulate chi to short bursts of improved healing, strength, and speed
Combat: uses metal (unspecified again? but stronger than steel) Bo staff, also proficient in hand-to-hand combat

Here is my first online RP character, I would like feed back, I will actually try and improve my char before entering in any RP aside from PvP battles I wouldn't mind practicing those

Well I didn't add much to what Whim said. But those unspecified really need to get removed. I don't mind if it's some kind of space metal or whatever, but as long as there's a even slightly reasonable explanation (e.g the staff was forged a long time ago using ancient and lost technique or whatever) rather than simply "Unspecified".

Most people also like having a Bio to describe how did s/he get to where they are now, so in your case, why can he use his special abilities, where did he learn how to fight, what kind of setting he was born in, that sort of thing.

_________________
Image


Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:40 pm
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 3 posts ] 

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by ST Software for PTF.