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New Character Bio! *New Version* 
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Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2010 10:10 pm
Posts: 28
Gender: Male
Currently Playing: Call of Duty:Black Ops, and SSF2
Ok, criticize as much as you can please. Don't worry, I won't be a baby like last time. I still regret acting like my old Bio was better than everyones. :\

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Tue Mar 29, 2011 9:27 pm
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Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:53 pm
Posts: 2104
Country: Antarctica (aq)
Gender: Female
crappy review: show
*Z* wrote:
*EDIT: Alrighty then, I've completely rewritten the bio. I've kept the name, but I got rid of the "magical abilties". I'm hoping to get an "OK" rating, but, who knows? Also, and I cannot believe I'm saying this, please criticize me as harshly as you can! I need it.*
Name: Shai and surname?
Gender: Male
Age: 23
Height/Weight: 5'11"/180 LB
Home Planet: Earth Where on Earth exactly? I'll assume America.
Eye Color: Black Don't think that's a valid eye colour.
Skin Color: Very Pale
Race: White Well it would Caucasian I believe, but alright.

Appearance:
*Hair*-He has long, jet-black, shaggy hair that seems to look like a wig at times. It usually covers his eyes, giving him a somewhat emo look. His hair sheds unusually though, leaving strands of hair around his home, which he doesn't bother to sweep up. He doesn't really care whether or not his hair is combed, plus he hasn't even washed it for a decent amount of time, however, it is unnaturally soft.
*Clothing*-He wears a thin, black t-shirt that seems too tight on his chest, and has one small rip somewhere near the bellybutton Where, top, left, lower right?, and smells of burnt rubber. His pants are a dark blue that have rips, and stains from falling down on hard pavement, or wet grass. He also wears a simple black belt that is worn out from swinging it around to much. His faded shoes are black, and white, with a hint of a brownish-green, and have dried up mud on the top. How about the little details? Any scars? How he present himself while walking? Well, that might actually be a bit too detailed for most RPs...

Personality: He's quiet at times, usually speaking only when spoken to, and he usually has only one-word replies. When he does speak, he has a sort of sadness in his voice, almost as if he wants to shed a tear while he's talking. He constantly thinks about why he's even in the world, and why the world exists in the first place. He seems very depressed, sometimes even attempting to commit suicide when he was a boy, but he always failed to do so. The look in his eyes gives off a feeling of deep rage, making people very uncomfortable to look at him. He doesn't make friends very easily, nor does he even have any friends, which is one of the reasons that he feels lonely. He seldom has time for sleep, usually practicing his skills of an assassin.

Abilities: He doesn't have very special magical abilities, but is an expert at being an assassin, however, he doesn't do his job quietly if you ask me. He carries a rusty short-knife in his pocket at all times, three to be exact, which he uses to "silently" kill his enemies. He's also pretty good with urban exploring, with him able to climb even the most slippery walls, mostly because of the fact that he can run about 50 feet at the max up a wall I don't think a assassin can run 50 feet without stopping. Or a human..

Bio: As a boy, he lived with an alcoholic, and abusive father, with his mother running off on evenings to smoke with her friends. He never went to school, and never went outside. He would stay inside of his house, scared to even go outside of his room for his father would threaten to beat him if he ever were to wake him up when he was sleeping. At the age of 17, tired of all the pain with his "family", he ran away. The moment he started running he never looked back, and didn't even have any second thoughts. He went a long way, with some people would be nice if you could specify some, like a homeless shelter or something giving him food, and water, some of which were already eaten, or empty. After a few days, he found an old, abandoned shack that had a dusty bed, and some other things, and decided that this would be his new home.

In order to get food, and drink, he decided that he would have to resort to stealing from others, for he did not have the social skills or patience for a real job. He lived a couple of miles from a nearby town, that was roaming with criminals, so he decided to steal from there, thinking that the residents of the town wouldn't notice a couple of missing things, with the criminals being a bigger problem to them. When he got to the town, he noticed that there were a good amount of gangs doing whatever they pleased, not giving a damn about what others thought of them. He went to the nearest store to see if he could sneak off with something small. The moment he got inside of the store, he saw that there wasn't much. Some bags of food were either open, or smashed. He walked around, hoping to find something that wasn't crushed, while an old man was staring at him from behind his counter. After a while, he found some food, and slipped it into his pocket.

He was going to casually walk out of the store, when all of a sudden, a robber came in, and threatened to kill the old man with his gun, unless he gave him all his money. The old man refused, and the robber pulled his trigger when all of a sudden, the gun was smcked smacked out of his hand, and the old man was the one holding it. He asked for the robber to leave in a polite way, and the robber fled. The old man put the gun down, and looked at Shai. He pointed to his pocket and told him to take out what was in there. Shai reluctantly did what he was told, but he couldn't find anything. He checked all of his pockets, and when he looked up at the old man, he found that he was holding the bag of food.

The old man asked why he attempted to steal this, and Shai replied with, "Because...". The old man asked where he was from, his name, and why he was here. He told him the whole story, and the old man told him that he would provide him with food if he would help the town with its "problem". After a moment of thinking, Shai accepted the job, but said that he couldn't fight at all. The old man then said that he would train him in the ways of an assassin maybe add a bit on the old man's background, or why he would he entrust that sort of training to a stranger., but it would take lots of patience. After another moment of thinking, Shai also accepted this offer.

After a year of training describe some of the lessons he learned perhaps?, the old man said that Shai was ready to help out the town, but that he couldn't go into the deep parts of the town until he was fully trained. He gave Shai three silver short knives for weapons, and just three dinky little knives against people who presumably have firearms?, and asked that he would take care of them. Shai nodded, feeling glad that he actually had someone who cared about him for once, and went out to fight off the evils of the town. Even today, he still does one hell of a job.

I don't think he'd be a "expert" assassin from a year of training, or even 6.


Well just take this one until someone better can review it more thoroughly, since I can't word some criticism I have. Well it's a lot better than most of the recent submissions, and you've improved quite a lot, though I forgot the old profile.

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Tue Mar 29, 2011 10:02 pm
Profile
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2010 10:10 pm
Posts: 28
Gender: Male
Currently Playing: Call of Duty:Black Ops, and SSF2
Technomancer wrote:
crappy review: show
*Z* wrote:
*EDIT: Alrighty then, I've completely rewritten the bio. I've kept the name, but I got rid of the "magical abilties". I'm hoping to get an "OK" rating, but, who knows? Also, and I cannot believe I'm saying this, please criticize me as harshly as you can! I need it.*
Name: Shai and surname?
Gender: Male
Age: 23
Height/Weight: 5'11"/180 LB
Home Planet: Earth Where on Earth exactly? I'll assume America.
Eye Color: Black Don't think that's a valid eye colour.
Skin Color: Very Pale
Race: White Well it would Caucasian I believe, but alright.

Appearance:
*Hair*-He has long, jet-black, shaggy hair that seems to look like a wig at times. It usually covers his eyes, giving him a somewhat emo look. His hair sheds unusually though, leaving strands of hair around his home, which he doesn't bother to sweep up. He doesn't really care whether or not his hair is combed, plus he hasn't even washed it for a decent amount of time, however, it is unnaturally soft.
*Clothing*-He wears a thin, black t-shirt that seems too tight on his chest, and has one small rip somewhere near the bellybutton Where, top, left, lower right?, and smells of burnt rubber. His pants are a dark blue that have rips, and stains from falling down on hard pavement, or wet grass. He also wears a simple black belt that is worn out from swinging it around to much. His faded shoes are black, and white, with a hint of a brownish-green, and have dried up mud on the top. How about the little details? Any scars? How he present himself while walking? Well, that might actually be a bit too detailed for most RPs...

Personality: He's quiet at times, usually speaking only when spoken to, and he usually has only one-word replies. When he does speak, he has a sort of sadness in his voice, almost as if he wants to shed a tear while he's talking. He constantly thinks about why he's even in the world, and why the world exists in the first place. He seems very depressed, sometimes even attempting to commit suicide when he was a boy, but he always failed to do so. The look in his eyes gives off a feeling of deep rage, making people very uncomfortable to look at him. He doesn't make friends very easily, nor does he even have any friends, which is one of the reasons that he feels lonely. He seldom has time for sleep, usually practicing his skills of an assassin.

Abilities: He doesn't have very special magical abilities, but is an expert at being an assassin, however, he doesn't do his job quietly if you ask me. He carries a rusty short-knife in his pocket at all times, three to be exact, which he uses to "silently" kill his enemies. He's also pretty good with urban exploring, with him able to climb even the most slippery walls, mostly because of the fact that he can run about 50 feet at the max up a wall I don't think a assassin can run 50 feet without stopping. Or a human..

Bio: As a boy, he lived with an alcoholic, and abusive father, with his mother running off on evenings to smoke with her friends. He never went to school, and never went outside. He would stay inside of his house, scared to even go outside of his room for his father would threaten to beat him if he ever were to wake him up when he was sleeping. At the age of 17, tired of all the pain with his "family", he ran away. The moment he started running he never looked back, and didn't even have any second thoughts. He went a long way, with some people would be nice if you could specify some, like a homeless shelter or something giving him food, and water, some of which were already eaten, or empty. After a few days, he found an old, abandoned shack that had a dusty bed, and some other things, and decided that this would be his new home.

In order to get food, and drink, he decided that he would have to resort to stealing from others, for he did not have the social skills or patience for a real job. He lived a couple of miles from a nearby town, that was roaming with criminals, so he decided to steal from there, thinking that the residents of the town wouldn't notice a couple of missing things, with the criminals being a bigger problem to them. When he got to the town, he noticed that there were a good amount of gangs doing whatever they pleased, not giving a damn about what others thought of them. He went to the nearest store to see if he could sneak off with something small. The moment he got inside of the store, he saw that there wasn't much. Some bags of food were either open, or smashed. He walked around, hoping to find something that wasn't crushed, while an old man was staring at him from behind his counter. After a while, he found some food, and slipped it into his pocket.

He was going to casually walk out of the store, when all of a sudden, a robber came in, and threatened to kill the old man with his gun, unless he gave him all his money. The old man refused, and the robber pulled his trigger when all of a sudden, the gun was smcked smacked out of his hand, and the old man was the one holding it. He asked for the robber to leave in a polite way, and the robber fled. The old man put the gun down, and looked at Shai. He pointed to his pocket and told him to take out what was in there. Shai reluctantly did what he was told, but he couldn't find anything. He checked all of his pockets, and when he looked up at the old man, he found that he was holding the bag of food.

The old man asked why he attempted to steal this, and Shai replied with, "Because...". The old man asked where he was from, his name, and why he was here. He told him the whole story, and the old man told him that he would provide him with food if he would help the town with its "problem". After a moment of thinking, Shai accepted the job, but said that he couldn't fight at all. The old man then said that he would train him in the ways of an assassin maybe add a bit on the old man's background, or why he would he entrust that sort of training to a stranger., but it would take lots of patience. After another moment of thinking, Shai also accepted this offer.

After a year of training describe some of the lessons he learned perhaps?, the old man said that Shai was ready to help out the town, but that he couldn't go into the deep parts of the town until he was fully trained. He gave Shai three silver short knives for weapons, and just three dinky little knives against people who presumably have firearms?, and asked that he would take care of them. Shai nodded, feeling glad that he actually had someone who cared about him for once, and went out to fight off the evils of the town. Even today, he still does one hell of a job.

I don't think he'd be a "expert" assassin from a year of training, or even 6.


Well just take this one until someone better can review it more thoroughly, since I can't word some criticism I have. Well it's a lot better than most of the recent submissions, and you've improved quite a lot, though I forgot the old profile.

Thanks, and the old one was about a wolf-boy or something like that. I don't know why I even made the "wolf" thing.

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Tue Mar 29, 2011 10:06 pm
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Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:53 pm
Posts: 2104
Country: Antarctica (aq)
Gender: Female
Most people puts something they like, like vampires, demons, or such in their first profile usually, well from what I see at least.


And don't quote boxes, they break.

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Tue Mar 29, 2011 10:14 pm
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Joined: Fri Mar 04, 2011 11:30 pm
Posts: 46
Location: I just don't want people knowing where I am.
Gender: Anime Girl
true its oh so true.

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Tue Apr 12, 2011 3:19 pm
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