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New Character Bio! *New Version* 
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Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2010 10:10 pm
Posts: 28
Gender: Male
Currently Playing: Call of Duty:Black Ops, and SSF2
*EDIT: Alrighty then, I've completely rewritten the bio. I've kept the name, but I got rid of the "magical abilties". I'm hoping to get an "OK" rating, but, who knows? Also, and I cannot believe I'm saying this, please criticize me as harshly as you can! I need it.*
Name: Shai
Gender: Male
Age: 23
Height/Weight: 5'11"/180 LB
Home Planet: Earth
Eye Color: Black
Skin Color: Very Pale
Race: White

Appearance:
*Hair*-He has long, jet-black, shaggy hair that seems to look like a wig at times. It usually covers his eyes, giving him a somewhat emo look. His hair sheds unusually though, leaving strands of hair around his home, which he doesn't bother to sweep up. He doesn't really care whether or not his hair is combed, plus he hasn't even washed it for a decent amount of time, however, it is unnaturally soft.
*Clothing*-He wears a thin, black t-shirt that seems to tight on his chest, and has one small rip somewhere near the bellybutton, and smells of burnt rubber. His pants are a dark blue that have rips, and stains from falling down on hard pavement, or wet grass. He also wears a simple black belt that is worn out from swinging it around to much. His faded shoes are black, and white, with a hint of a brownish-green, and have dried up mud on the top.

Personality: He's quiet at times, usually speaking only when spoken to, and he usually has only one-word replies. When he does speak, he has a sort of sadness in his voice, almost as if he wants to shed a tear while he's talking. He constantly thinks about why he's even in the world, and why the world exists in the first place. He seems very depressed, sometimes even attempting to commit suicide when he was a boy, but he always failed to do so. The look in his eyes gives off a feeling of deep rage, making people very uncomfortable to look at him. He doesn't make friends very easily, nor does he even have any friends, which is one of the reasons that he feels lonely. He seldom has time for sleep, usually practicing his skills of an assassin.

Abilities: He doesn't have very special magical abilities, but is an expert at being an assassin, however, he doesn't do his job quietly if you ask me. He carries a rusty short-knife in his pocket at all times, three to be exact, which he uses to "silently" kill his enemies. He's also pretty good with urban exploring, with him able to climb even the most slippery walls, mostly because of the fact that he can run about 50 feet at the max up a wall.

Bio: As a boy, he lived with an alcoholic, and abusive father, with his mother running off on evenings to smoke with her friends. He never went to school, and never went outside. He would stay inside of his house, scared to even go outside of his room for his father would threaten to beat him if he ever were to wake him up when he was sleeping. At the age of 17, tired of all the pain with his "family", he ran away. The moment he started running he never looked back, and didn't even have any second thoughts. He went a long way, with some people giving him food, and water, some of which were already eaten, or empty. After a few days, he found an old, abandoned shack that had a dusty bed, and some other things, and decided that this would be his new home.

In order to get food, and drink, he decided that he would have to resort to stealing from others, for he did not have the social skills or patience for a real job. He lived a couple of miles from a nearby town, that was roaming with criminals, so he decided to steal from there, thinking that the residents of the town wouldn't notice a couple of missing things, with the criminals being a bigger problem to them. When he got to the town, he noticed that there were a good amount of gangs doing whatever they pleased, not giving a damn about what others thought of them. He went to the nearest store to see if he could sneak off with something small. The moment he got inside of the store, he saw that there wasn't much. Some bags of food were either open, or smashed. He walked around, hoping to find something that wasn't crushed, while an old man was staring at him from behind his counter. After a while, he found some food, and slipped it into his pocket.

He was going to casually walk out of the store, when all of a sudden, a robber came in, and threatened to kill the old man with his gun, unless he gave him all his money. The old man refused, and the robber pulled his trigger when all of a sudden, the gun was smacked out of his hand, and the old man was the one holding it. He asked for the robber to leave in a polite way, and the robber fled. The old man put the gun down, and looked at Shai. He pointed to his pocket and told him to take out what was in there. Shai reluctantly did what he was told, but he couldn't find anything. He checked all of his pockets, and when he looked up at the old man, he found that he was holding the bag of food.

The old man asked why he attempted to steal this, and Shai replied with, "Because...". The old man asked where he was from, his name, and why he was here. He told him the whole story, and the old man told him that he would provide him with food if he would help the town with its "problem". After a moment of thinking, Shai accepted the job, but said that he couldn't fight at all. The old man then said that he would train him in the ways of an assassin, but it would take lots of patience. After another moment of thinking, Shai also accepted this offer.

After a year of training, the old man said that Shai was ready to help out the town, but that he couldn't go into the deep parts of the town until he was fully trained. He gave Shai three silver short knives for weapon, and asked that he would take care of them. Shai nodded, feeling glad that he actually had someone who cared about him for once, and went out to fight off the evils of the town. Even today, he still does one hell of a job.

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Last edited by *Z* on Tue Mar 29, 2011 10:07 pm, edited 27 times in total.



Sat Jun 26, 2010 7:06 pm
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I think it's an improvement but you still have many cliches in it that just make it sound cheesy like "Wolves found him, and raised him as there own." And how exactly do you teach someone who knows only wolf, english? Do you say "Grrr" means apple and "Grr" Means strawberry? It doesn't make much sense. Also before you post anything, try reading it out loud. If it sounds weird or cheesy, then change it.

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Sat Jun 26, 2010 9:04 pm
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Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:53 pm
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First, you do not need a second topic, just use one to put all your bios in. Second, stop putting mysterious past; It barely works. Third, "raised by wolves"? I don't think any cases of humans found in the wilderness had them speak english eventually (I'm not gonna look) and I doubt any wolves would raise a human, powers or no.

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Sat Jun 26, 2010 9:42 pm
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Location: Darkest Antartica
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Kamen Rider Green wrote:
I doubt any wolves would raise a human, powers or no.

Romulus and Remus

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Sun Jun 27, 2010 2:41 am
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Joined: Sun Jul 05, 2009 10:11 pm
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Location: Some place down the road, or something
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Currently Playing: Fallout: New Vegas, Portal 2, Assassin's Creed 3, League of Legends, Gang Garrison 2, Team Fortress 2, Bioshock 2, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Sky
Its a great improvement, but now add more detail.

Show, don't tell.

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Sun Jun 27, 2010 10:46 am
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Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:03 pm
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Location: being a genius Gender: little girl
Country: Japan (jp)
Gender: Anime Girl
this is the same thing with most of the other profiles, all you did was take what everyone said and did what they said
you probably did NOTHING of your own other than fill in the ideas they gave you, which means you'll just follow instructions forever
also, when people say you improved, don't take it too seriously, it still doesn't mean you're good


Sun Jun 27, 2010 12:12 pm
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Legendary Ghost
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Thaiberium wrote:
Kamen Rider Green wrote:
I doubt any wolves would raise a human, powers or no.

Romulus and Remus
They're sons of Mars or Hercules. I highly doubt we can count that as valid.

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"Jesus promised the end of all wicked people. Odin promised the end of all ice giants. I don't see many ice giants around."


Sun Jun 27, 2010 12:31 pm
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NDUESTRE wrote:
this is the same thing with most of the other profiles, all you did was take what everyone said and did what they said
you probably did NOTHING of your own other than fill in the ideas they gave you, which means you'll just follow instructions forever
also, when people say you improved, don't take it too seriously, it still doesn't mean you're good

Well, the thing with adding more detail I got from the users who told me to do that. But the stuff like only Shai could use the full power of the sword, and his mom and dad dying was all done from my ideas, not anyone elses. Couldn't you encourage me, even a little bit. I mean look, I spent my time trying to improve with this RPing. Everyone else pointed out my flaws, but gave me a some encouragement to try and do better.

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Sun Jun 27, 2010 1:14 pm
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Location: being a genius Gender: little girl
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wow do you need to be put in a crib and fed milk in a bottle every day just so you can improve?


Sun Jun 27, 2010 1:28 pm
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Maybe..... Haha, just joking. This is off topic though.

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Sun Jun 27, 2010 1:32 pm
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Eh, it's still not working for me.

I mean, it's more or less establishing his powers and how awesome they are rather than building the character who controls them. Not to mention, this raises too many questions and does not give enough answers.

We already have Wolverine for mysterious past and such, we don't need another Wolverine.

I mean we never get a reason for why he gets a nigh-indestructible sword, powers over the elements of nature, and a mysterious decoder necklace. Look, I can believe that a man or boy was raised by wolves, (its happened in fiction before such as tales like the Jungle Book or Romulus and Remus) but all of this is a stretch.
I mean if he's been raised by wolves his entire life, the way he acts should be completely different than how the general population acts. He should move on all fours, growl and grunt more, and most likely he wouldn't know how to pick up a sword nonetheless know how to properly use it. Also just because he has a magic decoder ring doesn't mean he's going to going to automatically know how speak a certain language.


There's still alot of holes in this Bio.

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Wharg.


Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:38 pm
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that reminds me of how using a sword normally needs substantial training but every character can just pick it up and use it like a master


Mon Jun 28, 2010 4:20 pm
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NDUESTRE wrote:
that reminds me of how using a sword normally needs substantial training but every character can just pick it up and use it like a master

Makes me wonder why nobody takes a spear or a crossbow/gun. So practical.

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Mon Jun 28, 2010 5:56 pm
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Kamen Rider Green wrote:
NDUESTRE wrote:
that reminds me of how using a sword normally needs substantial training but every character can just pick it up and use it like a master

Makes me wonder why nobody takes a spear or a crossbow/gun. So practical.

Because apparently swords make you look awesome and highly skilled and because in some (if not alot) of lore and popular fiction the main hero usually has a sword.

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Wharg.


Last edited by King of Squids on Tue Jun 29, 2010 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Mon Jun 28, 2010 10:48 pm
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Too bad, even the Samurai with their Katana of extra-sharpness usually used Polearms and bows while mounted in battle (and I think some were trained in cannon use?), and used the blade only for formal duels if I remember.

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Mon Oct 11, 2010 10:54 pm
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