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Fan Fiction! 

Do you like it?
Poll ended at Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:04 pm
Yes 14%  14%  [ 2 ]
No 79%  79%  [ 11 ]
Maby 7%  7%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 14

Fan Fiction! 
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Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2011 10:29 am
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Location: sesame street
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noyk wrote:
hey nathand123, make more

goddammit man don't encourage him.

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Wed Apr 04, 2012 9:59 am
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Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:58 am
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[Lukepi] wrote:
noyk wrote:
hey nathand123, make more

goddammit man don't encourage him.

f*** off, I'm interested

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Wed Apr 04, 2012 10:03 am
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noyk wrote:
f*** off, I'm interested

;-;

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Wed Apr 04, 2012 10:16 am
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seriously, it's not that bad

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Wed Apr 04, 2012 5:30 pm
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I have to admit, it's a lot better than most of the s*** fan fictions people put online
Then again, it can't possibly be any worse than those.


Wed Apr 04, 2012 5:36 pm
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Whimzer wrote:
seriously, it's not that bad



His talent should be used on better things.

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Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:11 pm
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I'll say this once. If you do not have anything useful, constructive, or pertaining to the OP, get the hell out of the topic.

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Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:52 pm
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nathand123 wrote:
I've seen this done for other games so I had a go at it my self.


(I wanted to put a link to the document but it wouldn't let me)

Super Smash Flash 2
Chapter 1
The crowd screamed as his face appeared on the screen. Thousands chanted, waiting to see him in battle. He finally appeared. Fist clenched, he strutted over to the battlefield and stood, confident he had this in the bag.
Mario looked around at his adoring fans. With their banners, flags; fake hats. He smiled and knew he had to win for them. But his thoughts were cut short as his opponent came walking over to field. He stood ten meters away from Mario, but he could make out every feature with his amazing eyes.
He had tall, muscle structure. He wore a red helmet and goggles. Mario knew who he was instantly.
Captain Falcon. The most famous racer in the world. Of course, many doubted he could be a fighter. Some even mocked him when he said he was joining the tournament. But he shut everyone up as soon as he fought his first qualifying match. All they could find of him was a foot and some fingers after he fought Captain Falcon. After that, no one had treated him lightly. (Who is he? You must specify or indicate someone, otherwise it's just confusing)
Mario knew what he was capable of, but he wasn’t scared. He had breezed through the qualifying stage just as easily. Beating (defeating would work better here) all of his opponents in confident (use another word. You already used confident earlier) style. This is what has made him the favourite with the rookies. Even with his challenging group, no one doubted he would get through. Confidently. (Confident again. Unless you're trying to emphasize something, which I can see you doing, you should change it)
The announcer introduced the two fighters, his voice booming throughout the stadium. The 40,000 strong crowd screamed, shouted and cheered as Mario’s name was announced. He raised a single, gloved hand as a thank you.
A second quieter, but no less intimidating, cheer came for Captain Falcon. He opted to a highly acrobatic thank you, rather than a simple one. Mario knew this was only done to scare him. But he simple smiled, amused by the stupidity (stupidness isn't a word. Even so, stupidity isn't really the right word for this. Foolishness or something related would work better) of his opponent.
The twenty trumpets, one for every fighter in the tournament, rang out. Mario and Captain Falcon turned towards the giant screen to the left of Mario (Falcon's left, if he's facing Mario, would be different than Mario's left. So this would just make it much clearer.) This screen would show everything a fighter needed to know about the fight. The stage. The items. The hazards. As well as the group standings and other result from the day.
Name Fights Wins Losses Points
Tails 1 1 0 1
Captain Falcon 0 0 0 0
Mario 0 0 0 0
Black Mage 1 0 1 0
At the start, the screen showed all the groups as they stood at that moment.
Name Fights Wins Losses Points
Goku 1 1 0 1
Link 1 1 0 1
Peach 1 0 1 0
Sora 1 0 1 0

Name Fights Wins Losses Points
Kirby 1 1 0 1
Lloyd 0 0 0 0
Yoshi 0 0 0 0
Ness 1 0 1 0
Name Fights Wins Losses Points
Sonic 1 1 0 1
Wario 1 1 0 1
Fox 1 0 1 0
Naruto 1 0 1 o
Name Fights Wins Losses Points
Mega Man 1 1 0 1
Donkey Kong 0 0 0 0
Pikachu 0 0 0 0
Ichigo 1 0 1 0





After that, the stage was announced. The whole stadium went quiet as the name flashed on the screen and the announcer boomed around the stadium
“Hidden Leaf Village!”


All of my in-story notes and edits are in bold. Overall, its a good idea, but very flawed. First off, the intro is weak. The very first is what grabs the reader and pulls them in, something that's very important to realize. I suggest you take this time to really describe the environment and surroundings. What does the stadium look like? Is an open-sky stadium? If so, how's the weather? Describe the crowd. And at the last of the paragraph, as you very vaguely did, describe Mario without too easily implying who he is.
The rest of it needs more detail as well. You need to work on your pacing, and it will help you big time. Also, more vocabulary and please spell the words right. I suggest you type it up on Microsoft Word or something like that (for the spell check stuff it has) and use its capabilities to help you out with spelling and vocab.

It's not bad, that's for sure, but it's not good either. I wouldn't give up yet, though as you do have something going here, it just needs to be refined.

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Mon Apr 30, 2012 5:53 pm
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dear celestia remind me to kill pinkie pie if this is read by any pony

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Fri Sep 06, 2013 8:19 am
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